This actual conversation with Thing 1 (7 years old) and Thing 2 (5 years old) took place tonight at a well-known lingerie store. To be more specific, it took place in a very long customer check-out line at said well-known lingerie store. A line made up of other customers. As in people. Who could witness this.
I take full blame for this conversation, by the way. I know my kids. I knew where this could lead.
To set the stage, on top of a table of drawers stood a mannequin, one that had “typical” female proportions but which sported a bra with very large cups.
Me (pointing out the bra-wearing mannequin to Thing 2): Check that out. What do you think?
Thing 2: That’s pretty, Mommy.
Me: You’d need pretty big bosoms to fill out a bra like that.
Thing 2: Yep. So, hey, when will I get my big bosoms?
Thing 2: What? Why?
Me: Just look at mine, baby girl. I’m sorry, it’s unlikely you’ll ever get big bosoms. Only little ones. Genetics is a pisser, isn’t it?
Thing 2: So when will I get my little bosoms?
Me: Not for a while. Probably not until you’re around thirteen.
Thing 2: Hey! Why won’t you let me get them right now?
Me: Because I’m your mom, and I say so.
At this point, I noticed Thing 1 – who is a boy – feeling up some ultra-padded push-up bras that lay in a middle drawer.
|Want to learn more about this bra? Head to victoriassecret.com. |
Or ask Thing 1 about it. He probably felt one up just like it.
Me: Hey, hey, hey, quit feeling those up, kiddo.
Thing 1: Quit doing what?
Me: Just… put the bra down, please.
Thing 1: What’s a bra?
Me: That thing you’re holding. And all those other things in the drawers. Please stop touching them.
Thing 1: But I like them. May I have one?
Me: No, honey. Those aren’t for you. Unless there’s something you want to tell me. I won’t judge.
At this point, Things 1 and 2 started to discuss between themselves the various garments and their potential purposes. According to them, a garter belt hanging about 10 feet away was a short skirt. A sheer babydoll nightie was a dress for a little girl (Thing 2: “I really want one of these for my birthday, Mommy.”).
I would write that I’ve learned my lesson, and that from now on I won’t take them back to this store with me. However, that would be a lie. I’m taking them there with me from now on. Every time. Even when I don’t plan to buy anything.