Friday, January 10, 2014

It's All About the Bosoms

This actual conversation with Thing 1 (7 years old) and Thing 2 (5 years old) took place tonight at a well-known lingerie store. To be more specific, it took place in a very long customer check-out line at said well-known lingerie store. A line made up of other customers. As in people. Who could witness this.

I take full blame for this conversation, by the way. I know my kids. I knew where this could lead.

To set the stage, on top of a table of drawers stood a mannequin, one that had “typical” female proportions but which sported a bra with very large cups.

Me (pointing out the bra-wearing mannequin to Thing 2):  Check that out. What do you think?
Thing 2:  That’s pretty, Mommy.
Me:  You’d need pretty big bosoms to fill out a bra like that.
Thing 2:  Yep. So, hey, when will I get my big bosoms?
Me:  Never.
Thing 2:  What? Why?
Me:  Just look at mine, baby girl. I’m sorry, it’s unlikely you’ll ever get big bosoms. Only little ones. Genetics is a pisser, isn’t it?
Thing 2:  So when will I get my little bosoms?
Me:  Not for a while. Probably not until you’re around thirteen.
Thing 2:  Hey!  Why won’t you let me get them right now?
Me:  Because I’m your mom, and I say so.

At this point, I noticed Thing 1 – who is a boy – feeling up some ultra-padded push-up bras that lay in a middle drawer.

Want to learn more about this bra? Head to
Or ask Thing 1 about it. He probably felt one up just like it. 

Me:   Hey, hey, hey, quit feeling those up, kiddo.
Thing 1:  Quit doing what?
Me:  Just… put the bra down, please.
Thing 1:  What’s a bra?
Me:  That thing you’re holding. And all those other things in the drawers. Please stop touching them.
Thing 1:  But I like them. May I have one?
Me:  No, honey. Those aren’t for you. Unless there’s something you want to tell me. I won’t judge.

At this point, Things 1 and 2 started to discuss between themselves the various garments and their potential purposes. According to them, a garter belt hanging about 10 feet away was a short skirt. A sheer babydoll nightie was a dress for a little girl (Thing 2: “I really want one of these for my birthday, Mommy.”).

I would write that I’ve learned my lesson, and that from now on I won’t take them back to this store with me. However, that would be a lie. I’m taking them there with me from now on. Every time. Even when I don’t plan to buy anything. 


  1. I've always wondered about the little bow tie right in the middle of the cups. Of course, they serve no functional purpose. But are we really supposed to believe on some level that such a tiny little ribbon is gonna hold all THAT together?

  2. LOL... Good point. Maybe they think that men need our bosoms to be decorated with ribbons and bows?


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