Are You Ready to Get Some?

Men!  Now that I have your attention…  Valentine’s Day is rapidly approaching.  You know what that means:  you and your romantic gestures are about to go under the microscope. 

Many women will state that they don’t really care about Valentine’s Day, that it’s a Hallmark holiday that doesn’t really matter.  For a few of us, that may hold true.  (And yes, “us.” I’m a pathetic, sappy, uber-romantic who actually doesn’t care all that much about Valentine’s Day.  But this post isn’t about me.)  For many women, however, Valentine’s Day is a huge opportunity for each of you men to be a hero.

BUT – and there’s always a but, isn’t there (and some buts are bigger than others) – if you are in a longer-term relationship, don’t expect the magic of Valentine’s Day to be a cure-all for your relationship woes.  If you want the attention and adoration of your female partner, both on Valentine’s Day and throughout the year, here are a few quick suggestions:

• Be Considerate, Make Her Feel Adored:  Do you remember early in your relationship when you would do little things to make her think fondly of you?  Well… do you still do things like that?  Do what my friend L's husband does for her... Send her little notes that let her know you’re thinking of her. Help her find time to do something for herself. Give her a foot rub or neck rub without her having to ask. Bring her flowers or her favorite candy or a knick-knack for her desk for no reason. Don't expect anything in return. Just do it.
• Don’t “Fix” Her:  Look, none of us is perfect.  Not one of us.  Not even models, if they are to be believed when they go on and on about how they're all airbrushed.  I, for one, tend to believe - as do about 98.3% of all straight adult males - that the models are lying and that they're actually just that perfect and that they came up with this airbrushed nonsense in order not to be hated as much by "normal" women. But I digress.  The point I was making is to please realize that if you recognize a flaw of your partner's, it’s likely she not only recognizes it as well but is 182 times more aware of it than you are.  You know what, interestingly, will improve her flaws far better than pointing them out, picking at them or passive-aggressively trying to get her to fix them?  Try this... pay attention to and compliment those things about her that you find attractive.  Repeat.  Repeat again.  It’s almost magical how quickly the flaws lose their prominence among all that adoration.
• Tell Her You Appreciate Her:  We all know how much it stings when we try to tackle something – around the house, at work, etc. – and the first words someone throws our way are criticisms about how we could have done it, whatever it is, better. Take that kind of insight and use it to remember not to nitpick. Instead, identify what she does well, or even simply what she tries to do, and let her know you appreciate her efforts. When my family has dinner around the dining table, my husband always thanks me for cooking, whether the meal is stellar or so-so, and his gesture never fails to bring a smile to my face and warm my heart.
• Let Her Know You Respect Her:  Women are a bit of a quandary.  If you compliment a woman’s looks too much but don’t let her know you respect her, she’ll worry you only want her for her physical attractiveness.  Tell her too much that you respect her without letting her know you think she is attractive, and she will worry you don’t think she’s attractive.  Yes, we’re annoying like that.  Be that as it may, be sure you actually converse with your girlfriend or wife, and not just about household stuff or family stuff or kid stuff.  Ask for her opinion or insight, and then listen.  Listen for real.
• Tell Her She Is Beautiful:  This is one that I think is often misconstrued by men, so listen carefully… when I say tell her she is beautiful, what I mean is this:  Tell her she is beautiful.  “Pretty” is all about looks, and that’s fine but not the same.  Same goes for “cute,” unless you’re kidding about something she said or did.  “Hot” is too sex-laden and gets old quickly. There is something special and precious about being called beautiful.  Maybe it’s that beautiful is so multi-faceted, and as such it allows a woman a little room for interpretation. Beautiful can refer to facial loveliness, and it can refer to a woman’s physique. Beautiful can mean something beyond pretty in the physical sense, even an aura.  And beautiful, of course, can refer to a woman’s heart.  Beautiful is a special word that is often reserved for someone who is beyond the norm.  So tell her she is beautiful. And mean it.

Finally - and this one is important - tell her that you love her.  I don’t mean the cursory “I love you” we all say to a long-term partner at the end of a phone call or as we say good-night.  I don’t mean the light-hearted but fully felt “I love you” that some of us say to our good friends. (I tell my best friend several times a week that I love her. Because I do.)  I mean take a non-routine moment to look in her eyes and tell her, while she is listening, that you love her. 

And, just like when you tell her she is beautiful… mean it.

Love Notes and Lunch Bags

This month officially is Women’s History Month, so it seems a strange time to do a two-part series on men.  However, I feel compelled this month to express how a few very special men helped this little woman learn to have faith in the male species.

A little over a week ago, I wrote a post about my debt ofgratitude for gay men and how they helped me believe in mens’ ability to love. Tonight, I’d like to pay homage to three men in my life who regularly shore up my faith in the generally larger and hairier gender.  They have nothing particularly identifiable in common other than that they are married and that I know them; and yes, I’m aware that the latter commonality has nothing to do with these men’s awesomeness.

The first two of these fine gentlemen is a childhood friend with whom I reconnected 2 years or so ago, and the second is a former coworker from up in the northeastern corner of the country. Both are around my age (approaching/stepping over "the hill"), both have young children and both have demanding jobs. In other words, they’re in the prime “mid-life crisis” time of life. And both clearly, without question, adore their wives, a fact that’s identifiable simply through what they note on Facebook.

It may sound trite to measure a man’s adoration of his wife by what he posts on Facebook. But give a listen... They don’t gush. They don’t fawn. They don’t overkill it. It’s not about them looking for attention from their Friends about how sweet they are to their wives (not sure why Facebook Friends are capitalized, but go with it).

But here and there, they brag about the simple joys of being married to their spouses. They post cheerfully that it’s date night. They proudly announce the arrival of a new anniversary. They state how much love they feel on the date of their better half’s birthday. It’s as if they revel in the little things so much – the simple moments which serve as proof that they get to share a life with these lovely women – that they have to share their joy with whoever will listen.

The third man, however, is on a level all his own. I won’t share his name, but he is the husband of a former coworker of mine. And he epitomizes true, unadulterated, pure adoration. He is love personified when it comes to his wife. So who is this amazing wife, and what does this gentleman do that is so amazing? Well, the wife is funny, creative, astonishingly smart and feisty, and she will regale anyone who will listen to her about what a challenge she is to live with (about which I can only take her at her word).

And him? He leaves her little love notes around the house. Nothing fancy or overdone, but little reminders that he is thinking about her. Often. When she’s working, he makes her lunch in the morning and writes and draws on the lunch bag – hearts, sweet comments, funny remarks, quirky sketches. Every day. No exaggeration. Every. Single. Day. And he drops everything when he knows she needs him, even a little bit. 

This is not someone seeking praise or attention. He’s very friendly and kind but also generally low key. He doesn’t announce what he does or ask if anyone has noticed. He does what he does simply because he feels compelled to let his wife know, every day, that he adores her.  To me – and maybe I’m alone in this – this man alone proves to me every day that men have the capacity to love right to their very core.

These aren’t the only three men I know, of course, who do things for their wives that would just make you melt as well as make you a believer. There are other examples I could give. But these men are the three whose actions – and their incredible consistency over time – most resonate with me. So through this simply little post, I wanted to give them a little thank-you for giving me that boost of faith.

How about you? What actions strike you and make you believe in love?