Is It Me, Or Is It SkyMall: Part 2

Two years ago – interestingly (to me, at least) almost two years ago to the day – I wrote a post called Is It Me, Or Is It SkyMall?  In this little old post of mine, I noted a few SkyMall listings that had me giggling during a pretty irritating flight to Phoenix. 

Are you familiar with SkyMall?  If not, I’m gathering you don’t travel a lot, because these fancy catalogs grace the seatback pocket of pretty much every passenger jet in these United States of America. (Sidebar: Why do some people refer to our country as “these” United States of America? Are there other United States of America someplace else? I’ve never seen other United States of America on a map. Are they underwater? Is it Atlantis? Inquiring minds want to know.)

As I was saying before I so rudely interrupted myself, there must be something about flying in late June that makes SkyMall suddenly seem more attractive, because a few days ago, I found myself yet again perusing the paper luxury mall of the sky, and yet again I had to suppress giggles so as not to disturb my very austere-looking neighbor. She did not seem like the amused-by-SkyMall type. She did not seem like the amused-by-even-very-obviously-amusing-things type. In fact, she was so intimidating that I tolerated her air vent blowing air on me (yes, on me) throughout the flight that seriously could have stopped global warming in its tracks. I couldn't even find the nerve to reach up and nudge the vent back her way.

Anyway, without further ado, yet again here are some prime examples of the joys that one can consider purchasing in SkyMall these days. Enjoy.

Okay, so I have nothing against "party cups" that are rimmed with salt and lime for margaritas. Even ones that scream "flies in the face of sustainability" and "oh my goodness how lazy can you be." My issue is that the package - peeking out behind the cup - calls these "restaurant-style" cups. To exactly what restaurant are they referring? Because yeah... no.

You know why I buy fine leather furniture? So I can completely and totally cover it up with a light brown quilted thing.

Maggie thought her mouse infestation problem was bad, with the little holes she found behind her cabinets and the torn edges of cardboard cereal boxes. She had no idea just how bad it was about to get...

I still think this looks like a cat peeking out of a giant webcam.

No. No no. Never. No. The critical thing about this item of torture isn't that it's cheesy and floats around your pool and sings Italian songs at you. It's that it sings a grand total of 3 Italian songs at you. Three. Over and over. If you have ever been around small children for any length of time, perhaps you have a concept of what that's like, to hear the same song  played or sung over and over and over. And over. 

There's this large spot in my backyard that just looks so empty and lonely. What could I put there to bring together the aesthetic of the green space? I know! A 5-foot dromaeosaurid theropod dinosaur with three strong, curved claws, including one that's characterized as a slashing weapon used to disembowel prey! Totally what that space needs.

And, of course, I couldn't follow up the original post without this. Because a 6-foot-tall Easter Island "Ahu Akivi Moai" Monolith Statue demands to be included. Curbside Delivery Available.

Is It Me, Or Is It SkyMall?

Tonight, my friends, I am tired. I am so very, very tired. It’s a good kind of tired. A pleasant tired. An I-made-dinner-for-my-mom-for-her-birthday-and-she-loved-it tired. An I-had-a-lovely-glass-of-wine (or two) and-then-I-had-brownies-and-milk tired. Yum.

Because I’m so pleasantly tired, today’s post won’t be about anything serious. Tonight, I’m not going to take on the gay marriage naysayers (by the way, way to go NY!), Casey Anthony, Canada geese versus Canadian geese, the whole black toenail polish rage or any of the silliness or awfulness going on out there in the world.

Okay, one exception. I do have one serious comment to make. I have a couple of friends who will not be named who did not like the movie “Super 8.” To them I have one thing to say, and I say it with love: Haters.

Now that that’s off my chest… tonight is dedicated to a few SkyMall listings. Are you familiar with SkyMall?  If not, go fly away somewhere. No, I’m not telling you to bug off. SkyMall is a fabulous – absolutely wonderful – catalogue of items and wares that you didn’t know you needed or wanted until you opened the pages. Once you have seen them, however, you know that you absolutely have to have that glowy lamp or massage chair or your very own Easter Island monolith statue (seriously, you can’t make this stuff up). This wonderful catalogue can be found in the back pocket of just about every airline seat in America… and beyond.

When I was on my horrid flight to Phoenix, I spent much of my pre-Cooking Light time trying to distract myself by reading SkyMall. I don’t know if it was because I was on the brink of a breakdown thanks to aisle seat neighbor, but I found myself giggling out loud while perusing the pages.

Before I continue, let me state unequivocally that I adore SkyMall and would love to own pretty much everything in it. And while the rest of this post may seem like I’m poking fun, the humor I found in SkyMall that fateful afternoon helped save my sanity. If you can call me sane. Which may be doubtful.

Here are the highlights of my SkyMall observations from last week. Enjoy, and be sure to send me your Hanukkah/Christmas list by late August to allow ample shipping time:

This, my friends, should be named Terror-On-A-Tree-Stump. Its sole purpose clearly is to teach children fear of all things natural and woodsy. However, the best part of this is the description to the left of the photo. Do you see it? It states that this icon of horror is "brimming with whimsical personality." I'm curious about the copywriter's definition of "whimsical." 

Insecure about your physique? Why, just attach these inflatable arm and chest muscles! Wow the ladies! Intimidate your rivals! For added bulk, include the optional neck and knee pads. (These are, of course, hot/cold wraps intended for physical therapy... in theory.) 

"Sweetheart, time-outs don't really seem to be helping you much. So here's the deal: Next time you misbehave, we're sending you here."

I don't know what you see, but I see a cat sticking its head out of a webcam.

Girl on LEFT -- Pushing on flexible door screen, intended to prevent injury and screen breakage. Woman on RIGHT -- Walking through hanging "screen door" that attaches in the middle with magnets, which essentially just opens for you as you walk through. VERY IMPORTANT: Do not put the wrong one on the wrong door.

And finally...

I couldn't end this post without showing you the Easter Island "Ahu Akivi Moai" Monolith Statue. Curbside Delivery Available.

Until next time...