Was it You, Chris Hanson?

I take the MARTA rail to school to save time, money and sanity. As of this past Tuesday, I will also be on the lookout for the free live entertainment.

Tuesday morning, my fellow rail riders and I had just settled into our commute, when 2 or 3 stops down the line, a very angry man boarded the train. From the moment the doors closed, he stomped up and down the entire train care, yelling things like, “How dare you tell me I’m going to hell?! How dare you say that because I am a gay man, I am going to hell?!”  See?  Angry.

Now, let me just say for the record that if someone said such a thing to this man, I fully support his outrage. To my fellow riders’ credit, from their expressions, many felt the same way.

That being said, after a few parades up and down the train, it was clear that he hadn’t actually identified the snot who had insulted him. He started to appear angry at the air, frankly.

Two minutes of pissiness flew around the train, when a man behind me said to Angry Man, “I’m sure you are justified in your anger. However, the idiot who said this to you either isn’t on the train or doesn’t really care. I’m sorry it happened, but you’re yelling at the wrong people.”

Well!

Angry Man now turned his fury on Master of Reason, accusing him of being just another horrible white man trying to oppress and subdue a Black man. What proceeded from there can only be described as a fascinating dialogue that truly, if it had been incorporated into a film script, would have been decried as overly dramatic and “this would never happen in real life.” Seriously.

First, Master of Reason very genially – and loudly – tried to sway the topic from his race by announcing that he “didn’t get a multiple choice card to choose [his] color when [he] slid out of [his] mama.” Topics from there ranged from the perceived racism of all white people to the idea that HIV was genetically manufactured by white people to oppress minorities to the idea that Angry Man “won’t touch a white man to scratch him” because “all you people have diseases” to Master of Reason’s relapse into drug addiction and recent return to sobriety. How do I know all this? Because they were speaking loudly, in stage voices meant to resonate throughout the train car. Why, I ask you? Why?

At one point, Angry Man sat next to Master of Reason to continue their discussion, with a very grand: “Don’t touch me, now.”  They then introduced themselves to one another; thus Angry Man became Jack and Master of Reason became Todd.

About every 3 minutes throughout this entire dialogue, which, as I mentioned, was conducted in loud stage voices, Jack or Todd would suddenly burst out with, “But just know that I love you, brother!” To which the other would reply, “Oh, I love you, too, brother!” Thus, their conversation would resume. It was like the chorus of a song, interjected at key points throughout their little script.

As the train neared my stop, I couldn’t help looking around for cameras. I kept thinking, “This has to be one of those Chris Hanson ‘What Would You Do’ scenarios.” Right? Am I right? Did the show air yet?

You can’t make this stuff up!